August 27, 2012

My Wonderwall

I told myself visit the wall on your first day off. Leave a permanent mark on how you feel Jess. So I did. This is one of many "Before I Die____" walls. If I were to tell anyone what I went through the past year, mentally,  financially, emotionally and most devastating physically then someone would probably ask me how I'm still standing. It was a tough year being 22. I lost, I prevailed, I struggled and I hurt both mentally and physically. I battled people, their thoughts, assumptions and my own heart. But most of all I lost someone I loved too much for my own good. I came to realizations that ultimately it was karma to me. Never hesitate to tell the one you love that they matter everyday, that they're worth it in life for whatever you go through. We've said words we didn't mean but nothing can repair us. I've made mistakes during your absence with other mistakes... they were only void fillers of a temporal need to be wanted, when all I wanted was us back. All I do is hope. We're two broken people trying to fix ourselves and in the process ended up breaking each other. Most of all I didn't just lose my lover, the only guy who lights up my face, but my best friend. Walle we may never speak or see each other again, but there is no physical or literal aspect of what we had and might still have that will ever make me feel different for you. We're in bad shape, we're odd, we don't fit in with the social blueprint or fickle mindset of the world today, but I will always love you, always be sorry, always forgive you and will always let you know you were worth it. 

Mother Theresa said:

 " I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

I am strong, I survived so much, I try and act tough and non affected but my wall is down for this wall for you. We've hurt so much, sometime in hate but there is nothing left in my heart but love because without your presence that is all I ever knew truly existed.

Before I die I want you to know your worth

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