I was awoken suddenly by two long buzzes. My heart was moving as fast as a runaway train not because of the text but because I had just hit that moment of suspended sleep state where REM would've set in. Startled, I picked up my phone saw 3 text notification. "Probably emails" I though to myself but what the heck let's check anyway. Half awake. Yes I do mean this in the most literal state. My eyes scrolled over two junk emails and then highlighted a random unrecognized number. An unfamiliar area code but in the strangest sense familiar none the less given recent events. 

See recently, as in three days ago, I had taken the initiative for my own sake and too big of a heart, an initiative to stop caring just for one bit, to delete a number. I just had to delete it and never look back. The all too daunting screen of reassurance of an action, of an eerie forebodings of "are you really really sure", the confirmation screen had popped up. As if my innate action of my broken heart was being attested to by technology to "make sure" I wanted to delete this number made me sick. Of course I wanted to delete this number and no guilt ridden program syntax formula written into this blackberry would make me regret. 

So I did it.

Paused.

.

.

.

.

.

Then called an all too familiar voice, told my actions, smiled and felt the weight of the world temporarily lift off my shoulders. But c'mon we all know it is not that easy.

So my eyes were burning. They were on fire as I struggled to read and figure out the number before opening the text to read it's full contents. All I had attempted to see from the message inbox was "I happy". Dry, parched, irritated, pain was searing through my eyes. Sleeping with my contacts on I cursed my laziness and the brightness of phones as they are charging on an adapter cord. 

I read the text. My burning eyes seemed to all of a sudden focus. " Was this really him?". When you go through the worst times your friends will assure you of a time of repentance and realization of wrongs and closure to come to the person who had hurt their friend so much, hurt her three times, talked down to her like she was nothing "not even an afterthought in the mind" as I was so vividly referenced too.

All of these emotions were running through my mind as the past weeks since Thanksgiving had come into full effect. I admittedly was still so sleepy that I easily went back to sleep. I had thought to myself  thank goodness I read it in this state instead of fully aware.  I woke up and even double checked my inbox to see if it really happened and it did. 

Oddly enough there was no relief, no closure, just nothingness. I called someone close to my heart to tell of what happened. I was reassured I did the right thing. I thought of texting back many times today and all went to drafts. Even to say "it's ok I'm fine and you too". I just did nothing in the end. 

I was finally "cured" of an obligating heart to try and help those who are dark and hurt me. I simply did not want anything to do with the situation whether it was to remain neutral. Strangely, enough I would have assumed the person had deleted my number after the countless horrid texts of blocking me from his phone. But it was me who had that power.

The only person that I hesitate to text, that I think before I speak and write to, that my heart is still heavy for but as a weight of humbleness and cherishing whats most important in my life is the only man's number I have never deleted. Never forgot. Memorized by heart for the fear of coming to a point of no return and saying my last words was him. The person I called to tell of the text the night before. This person who I want to say everything on my mind and heart to but never find the words....that person. The person whose texts stopped even after breaking my heart. The text from the person who texted me who I deleted simmered an all too familiar memory of this persons texts sometimes at odd hours. But there was one difference. I would've always replied even if to say the worst, to cry, to yell... and that's where I knew and realized favoritism lived in my heart forever and if I was to be damned for being a hypocrite it was only for him.

See I stopped hurting for the one whose number I deleted but I forgot how easy it was to fall in and try to save something that was worth it even through 160 character limits. I tell the person I love most about the person who hurt me most. What's a girl to do?

Nothing. Just nothing but pray. Pray I never text him like that or he never deletes my number with such ease, for it is not an ease of heart nor reality to erase you from my heart. Unlike phones memories and moments don't have a reassurance button to ask "Do you really want to lose the person you love truly forever? Confirm?" 

"discard?"

I'll choose always "save for later" and "lock".

:,) Humans are not born with programs to love, we'll make mistakes but there's always a way back into someones heart that doesn't involve a hack.

Gratuitous Gif of Myself? GGOY

This Little Light of Mine

It's snowing in Philly, I'm a little vitamin d sick. These were pictures taken yes in Philly, behind the art museum by Walle :) No one ever ventures behind the museum where there are gardens, or you can climb the  stone pillars and look down the entire parkway. This day was perfect. The weather, the scenery, the moment, the person....it reminded me of the Shire from LOTR! I was 20 years old here and my life seemed like it would never see hard times. Whatever temporary illusion it was I thank god for it. Weird to see yourself in photos happy, because when you go through the most heart breaking times you forget you're capable of feeling that emotion. Nice to remind yourself it is real and possible.

:)

I absolutely love trees. In any season bare or blossoming. Even better is twig inspired jewelry like the above. I'm creating a winter craft using the wonderful tree in front of my house. Can't wait to complete it and show it. 

Time after Time

Evening dress, 1938
Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel (French, 1883–1971)
Black silk net with polychrome sequins 

I think it's pretty amazing that during this time where every other girl is scrambling to find the perfect New Year's Eve dress, that the staples of dresses for this occasion haven't changed in time.

Sequins, form, and flow were even resonating in the 30s. I don't know about some of you girls but I'd rock this dress still now.

Loft-y Finds

So I got these earrings from Loft surprisingly! Drop spikes. Everything in the store was 50% off literally everything - regular priced and sale.

Was shopping to get a gift for my mom and picked up a little something for myself.

Also I wanted to showcase my lips I love them. I wasn't blessed with much on the 'top shelf' department but where god lacks in creation he makes up for FULLY ;) They are my favorite feature and give me a esteem boost when I can't fill out elsewhere.

Forget Me Not - Is He Boyfriend Material? Literally?

Men will never appreciate the feeling of a woman's forgotten piece of left over clothing, either in a relationship or sometimes ironically after one ends. Boyfriend jeans, boyfriend shirts, blazers, etc., drape our bodies beautifully as we grace our style with metaphorically and literally a "piece of our man". Our femininity although physically covered in the clothes of our guys makes an even bolder statement to the sometimes baring body con and form fitting trends that sometimes leave no room for free style creativity and outfit manipulation. This gives fellow fashion and style watchdogs a cloak of mysteriousness of our frames and sometimes even a new mindset to look at women's design and function.

 Unfortunately, in our fashion forgetfullness and mishaps there is not so much we can offer our male counterparts in terms of style. If anything we can make them appreciate how we transform their mind slip or maybe even messiness into a style take on the traditional.  After all, we couldn't have escaped the reigns, constrictions and stereotype of form fitting clothing to solely remain feminine if it weren't for a great slip of the mind from our wonderful male companions in our life.

Fashion editors, bloggers and labels have made a whole new look in the baggy, distressed, slightly worn and perfectly tucked men's pieces into a shoppable, easy and coveted look for the ultimate carefree chic. Style names like Adriano Goldshmied's "ex-boyfriend jean" and Urban Outfitter's "ex-boyfriend and boyfriend blazer" are now a common conceptualization when creating a story and look with a product. Before the Fall/Winter lookbooks saw the same fur trim, leather and gems as closet staples - now they accompany chambrays, flannel, distressed denim and baggy band t-shirts to the mix.

So do us stylish girlfriends and even ex-girlfriends a favor and give the gift of not bitter remembrance or sweet missing, but noteworthy sartorial inspiration. Give us your button-up if we're chilly in the morning, leave a pair of weekend jeans over our place because doing so is really the gift of giving. You give us fashion inspiration for the Friday mornings when we don't know what to wear and in return you get a beautiful fashion forward lady reflecting a part of you.

Remember, we know there may not be much to do with our forgetful clothing leftovers in terms of bringing something different and unique to menswear but on a style worthy and notable reversal of George Zimmer:

"You're gonna like the way we look in your clothes, we guarantee it."

image source (above) : viewfrom5ft2.com

image source: fromhatstoheels.com

A look that is totally my style.

source: insideout.topshop.com

Tying The Knot

'

Currently obsessed with tying a knot in my long maxi skirts. Being only 5'1" also serves as an excuse for this really cute and also practical look.

I paired it with studded flats, a men's tee from an Urban Outfitters sample sale and a plaid shirt.

Sometimes skirts can be overpowering in an outfit, but an easy way to play them down and more casual is to pair a band tee or vintage tee with them. 

Flats: Forever21

Skirt: H&M

Shirt: Forever21

Tee: my own

"Save Vinyl" tee shirt stolen BACK  from boyfriend bc I originally got it at Urban's sample sale and forgot and well bc he "doesn't do boatnecks".

NYC Treat yo' self or... your girlfriend

"well do you want it?" 

"...yes"

thanks Ryan <3

I have a feeling I'm gonna start to feel a little more powerful every morning after my cup of joe.

As usual my most interesting jewelry are from gypsy snaggle tooth street vendors in NYC.

The ladies they love me in SoHo

My favorite wall in Soho

My favorite poem

"We loved with a love that was more than love."

Me and Ryan eat really really really good. Pork and chicken kabobs with pita bread, feta fries and tzatziki sauce.

Slouvlakia Greek Grill in Soho

Pumpkin Deep

Is this heaven?! I took this in St. Marks. October is coming to an end~ :(

I'm more of a beer girl anyway.

Everyone looks forward and forgets if they glanced down the street is the new medium for powerful messages. Ryan took this one as we were strolling the streets of midtown Manhattan.

Reverse Diet

Regular caloric intake is based on 1200. I'm trying to gain a pound per week...yes I fight on to keep weight on. I have a very fast metabolism. In order to do this I must have a daily intake of 2264 calories. I do not mind eating all the pasta, bacon and carbs needed. Sometimes we forget diet is not just a one way track at losing but also gaining. I find it rather extremely rude some girls say to me "omg you're so skinny!" is this not the same as "omg you're so fat!"? Women are so one sided in weight and image that they defeat their own message of healthy body image as normal weight and being fine with how god made you. I am naturally skinny, just as someone else may be naturally curvier or bigger. But the main point is naturally. So give me your hits, your skinny bitch jokes and comments I really don't give a damn. I eat, I exercise, I come from a natrually thin family and if you feel the need to judge based on me being literally me without myswlf hindering the naturalness of my body then I hope you get a self esteem boost.

Battle of the brows. Being disgustingly cute with Ryan :)

Always coming into town missing the great acts. GRIMES!!!

My boyfriend takes the best pictures :) Oddly enough I was angry at him trying to take a picture of me hence "the smirk" and I was extremely hungover.

Breaking Rules in Style

Being a rebel in Central Park Sheeps Meadow in style. A detour to a beautiful park on a perfect NYC Sunday??? "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Ryan takes the best candid photos of me and our NYC shenanigans.

A badass bitch in leather.

She is cute. Her style is exactly my cup of coffee. I just really adore her...everything.

Radioactive Bones

I've had this shirt since I was 18. Five years later I'm still in love with it. I love wearing it all day and then going to a theater or dark lounge and surprising everyone. After all my motto is "you gotta show some bones to prove you can't be broken." ;) The shoes I got for a steal at Marshall's and the   heathered gray cardigan I added to bring some different texture and more importantly warmth to the outfit. It's my little brothers and probably mine until he asks for it and I get a sudden lapse of memory.

The kick ass dragon claw duster ring was a gift from my best friend Lena for my 23rd birthday last week. I'm absolutely floored at how she knows my affinity for gold, unique rings and a little edginess. She put it in a Zale's box for me and I have to say as a proposal for marriage when we tire of all the jerk men in the world, it's pretty awesome. 

OTFT BRKDWN:

Blazer -  H&M

Glow in the dark tee - H&M

Cardigan - Urban Outfitters 

Leather leggings - Forever 21

Violet zippered heels - Madden Girl from Marshall's

Ring - my own